Memo 12-A: Request for a Standardized Cough
To: Accession Medical Directorate (fictional). From: Office of Unnecessary Equipment Compatibility. Subject: A cough with adequate ceremonial authority.
The recruiting poster depicts aircraft, ships, courage and travel. Our new applicant has arrived at the medical station and discovered that before any of those things can occur, a clinician may need him to cough. The applicant would prefer a rehearsal. The clinician would prefer to complete the exam. The Department proposes an entire training simulator, which is denied for budgetary reasons.
The applicant coughs, a form advances one box, and a magnificent career of administrative surprise has officially begun.
Memo 12-B: An Itch in Formation
The platoon stands in formation. One recruit develops an itch and undertakes a complex mental debate concerning authorized movement. The itch is small, the debate is large, and the instructor's briefing appears to be increasing in length as a direct response to the recruit's internal concern.
An imaginary inspector proposes a heat map of forbidden scratching locations. Another official requests that the map be placed on the wall at the next training meeting. The secretary asks whether an itch can be given a suspense date.
When formation ends, the itch is gone. The committee reports success.
Memo 12-C: Towel Accountability and Transit
An enlisted person finishes a shower and discovers that the towel has relocated to a point well beyond arm's reach. The Department dispatches a field team to measure the distance. They return with a map, three witnesses, and a request for a second map.
The recruit simply walks carefully to retrieve the towel. Everyone else in the bathroom is busy with soap, bags, uniforms and deadlines. The investigators are devastated to find that the mission required neither a spreadsheet nor a press conference.
Memo 12-D: Anatomical Standardization Review
The Equipment Bureau has discovered that human anatomy is not invariably symmetrical. A junior officer requests a standardized left-right specification. A medical adviser explains that normal variation is ordinary and not an equipment defect.
The officer asks whether the variation may be repaired by purchasing matching protective cases. No procurement request is approved. The report's recommendation is to distinguish ordinary variation from new symptoms that deserve actual care.
Memo 12-E: The Underwear Field Trial
A recruit argues that fewer garments necessarily mean better operational performance. The field team explains that friction, fabric and moisture are inconveniently more complicated than a slogan.
A quartermaster places the proposal under the heading 'Ideas That Became Less Appealing After Ten Miles.' The recruit begins to respect a well-fitting pair of authorized underwear. The Department declares victory and issues a sticker.
Memo 12-F: The Hair Removal Mobilization
A would-be recruit has designed a 12-step prearrival grooming plan, complete with specialized tools and a demanding schedule. A dermatologist would have preferred careful technique, clean equipment and considerably less ambition.
The applicant realizes that a meticulous body-hair routine may be difficult to maintain during training. The Department offers to prepare a 90-page feasibility report. The applicant chooses a towel and goes to sleep instead.